Myths & Facts

Abuse Myths & Facts: Know the difference

Get educated, empowered, and get the facts.

The following are misconceptions, common perceptions, and uninformed beliefs about the nature of abuse. They come from sources such as dialogue in educational, social, and clinical settings. They may also be informed from representations of abuse presented in pop culture (i.e. movies, TV shows, game culture, books, social media, print media, music, and more).

MYTH: Abuse is caused by a momentary loss of control.

FACT: If this were true, then the abuser would be unable to “select” their victim. If they were out of control, the violence would not be limited to their family. They would “lose control” wherever, whenever, and at whomever they became angry with.

MYTH: Victims in abusive relationships interact, on conscious and unconscious levels, in a way to provoke violence, increase the probability of its eruption, or in a way that maintains it.

FACT: Many people act in a way that provokes anger in another, but individuals cannot provoke violence. Violence is one behavioral choice a person can make when provoked. The fact is, an abuser has decided to become violent before the incident occurs. They look for a reason to carry out the act of violence. Most victims find that it doesn’t matter how “perfect” their behavior is, the abuser will find a “reason” to be abusive.

MYTH: Drinking causes abuse.

FACT: While there is a correlation between drinking and abuse, the fact is that drinking does not cause abuse. Abusers become violent when sober or under the influence. They use the fact that they were drinking as an excuse.

MYTH: If they would just get counseling, they would see what they are doing is wrong and everything will be alright.

FACT: The effectiveness of counseling for the abuser is dependent upon several factors. 

1. The willingness of the abuser to make changes and face the truth
2. The skills and knowledge of a counselor regarding an abusive relationship
3. Whether or not the counseling is couples’ counseling, which is far less effective and can seriously endanger the victim, or if it is individual or “abusers group” counseling
4.  Whether or not the systems in place in a community demonstrate a commitment to treating violence as criminal behavior punishable by law

MYTH: “It takes two to tango.” If they go to get help, so should the victim. They are just as responsible for the violence because they stay in the relationship and therefore condone the violence.

FACT: The only person who is responsible for the violence is the abuser. It is not the victim’s fault or responsibility.

MYTH: Abuse cannot happen in LGBTQI+ relationships

FACT: Abuse does not discriminate. Like heterosexual relationships, LGBTQI+ relationships can be abusive. There may be abusive patterns that are unique to an LGBTQI+ relationship, such as using an individual’s gender identity or sexual orientation as a way to gain power and control over them.