Dynamics of an Abuse Relationship

An Abusive Relationship Contains Distinct Patterns and Elements.

Power & Control

Abuse is not about anger. The root of abuse is power and control. 

Power and control can manifest in unique ways as they intersect with your other identities such as your sexuality or physical ability. For more info on these more specific intersections, click on the appropriate link: 

Cycle of Abuse

You may feel as though one day your relationship is a honeymoon–everything seems perfect. The next day you might feel your words or actions are policed, as if there isn’t anything you can do or say right; things feel unpredictable and unsafe. This is what’s known as the cycle of abuse. Each situation is unique. That “honeymoon” phase might last weeks or months before abusive tactics escalate, or you may navigate the entire cycle in just one day. 

Here are some common characteristics of each phase in the cycle. These behaviors are typical examples, but not an exhaustive list: 

Honeymoon: 

• The abusive partner may be charismatic, charming, and attentive.
• They are generous with their gifts and affection.  
• They may make a lot of promises. 

Tension Building: 

• You may start to feel like you’re walking on eggshells. No matter what you say or do they do not seem content. 
• The time spent together seems unpredictable, with increased controlling behavior, verbal and emotional abuse. 
• They may minimize the tension and blame you. 

Abusive Incident: 

• The tension building escalates to an abusive incident emotionally or physically. 
• You feel unsafe and fearful. 

Reconciliation: 

• They may apologize for the abusive incident and blame you for the escalation. 
• They may make promises to not act abusively again or promise to seek help like counseling. 

Warning Signs/Red Flags – These are a sample of behaviors that foreshadow a cycle of abuse. You do not have to experience all of these to be in an abusive relationship, reach out to us if you are experiencing any of these dynamics.